phantomdeer:

8) = fucking shit nerd

B) = cool, sophisticated jock motherfucker

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  • 2 hours ago
  • 111612

lizziemcganja:

friend: i’m getting mcdonalds you want anything?

me: i don’t have money

friend: it’s all good, i’ll pay

me:

image

image

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  • 2 hours ago
  • 236178

gloomyteens:

baby: d- d-

dad: …daddy??

baby: did you or did you not come for me today

image

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  • 2 hours ago
  • 1206

defensivewounds:

kinkstertime:

panic-at-the-dildos:

we Americans act really cocky and assholey about freedom to hide the fact that our government is crumbling and nobody is actually free so please give us this one day to be annoying about it

Kinda feel bad for poor Americans now. A bit like the asshole kid who you realise is only acting like that cuz their parents are cruel and neglectful.

That’s painfully accurate.

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  • 2 hours ago
  • 168864

hotelmario:

bobshit:

what are snails even trying to do

their best

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  • 6 hours ago
  • 697383
  • 13 year old:I'm so old and cool!! I'm gonna be able to do so much in 3 years when I'm 16! Look how old and cool I am!! I'm not a child!! I can do everything on my own!
  • 17 year old:I am very much a child and I am very scared about what my life is gonna be in the next few years someone please make me grilled cheese and tomato soup so i can sob into it
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  • 6 hours ago
  • 28488

eeveez:

you have no proof that i am not at least one of the members of daft punk

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  • 6 hours ago
  • 380798

continent:

sorry i took so long to respond i was crying about my life 

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  • 6 hours ago
  • 29574

skelitas:

i’m basically “pro-do whatever you want as long as you’re enjoying yourself and not hurting other people”

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  • 6 hours ago
  • 599510

leadfeathers:

geekerypokery:

jeremymcbitchin:

Imagine having braces during the apocalypse. no one can take your braces off. And you just have to accept that you’ll have braces forever.

i want a novel focused around a character with braces during the apocalypse and the entire plot of the story revolves around their search for an orthodontist who is still alive and they sort of accidentally save the world in the process

Titled: Brace for It.

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  • 6 hours ago
  • 373451

k1mkardashian:

I glanced at this one girl for a second and smiled and she smiled back and her boyfriend like grabbed her and pulled her and started making out with her and she seemed not into it and I was like wow straight guys are so sensitive and weird lol like I don’t wantcha girl but I do want ha dress and the number to whoever did her nails cuz she is en pointe tonight

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  • 6 hours ago
  • 16145
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  • 6 hours ago
  • 120899

itssexualhour:

So I speak fluent Italian and me and my bf were about to have sex and he was like ‘talk dirty to me in Italian, babe’ but I didn’t really know what to say, so I just started reciting the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody in a really sudective voice and I didn’t even get through the entire song before he cummed

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  • 6 hours ago
  • 1743

greencrook:

greencrook:

greencrook:

There’s a very drunk man down my street who has been flirting with a tree for twenty minutes now.  

He’s on his knees now. I think he’s proposing. 

Drunk man currently walking away from the tree, shouting “YOU’RE ALL THE SAME”. 

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  • 6 hours ago
  • 116747

urbancatfitters:

hyperbole is my favorite literary device i use it like 600 times a day

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  • 6 hours ago
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